Orca Takeover
A Q & A with the deadliest, cleverest, awesomest animal
Hey, what’s up everybody. A lot of you probably know me as “Shamu” but my name is Rick. I’m an orca whale and I’m taking over Luikart’s substack for a day to answer your questions about all things orca. Let’s kick this thing. First question…
Q. You’ve been in the news a lot lately, killing Great White sharks and eating their livers. Why do you do that?
A. Honestly, I think it’s a trend. Humans can relate, I’m sure. South Beach diet, juice cleanses, acai berries. Shark livers are our acai berries. Everybody is going for them today, and tomorrow we’ll be back to seals on the beach in Patagonia or just regular fish. Shark livers are delicious, don’t get me wrong, but there’s such thing as too much of a good thing. It’s going to fade.
Q. Did you see Blackfish?
A. No, I didn’t see Blackfish. I don’t have to see Blackfish. I knew T, he was awesome but he got messed up. I don’t really want to talk about it. Next question.
Q. Did you see Free Willy?
A. I did. I think everybody I know saw Free Willy when it came out. Hindsight, a lot of issues with human savior complex. All throughout. The entire movie. You have The Blind Side, we have Free Willy. So many orca pastors, like the day Free Willy came out, were like, ‘Go see Free Willy, it’s the Gospel.’ Highly problematic, it turns out.
Q. Did you see Orca: The Killer Whale?
A. You’re talking about the 1977 frickin’ celluloid masterpiece? Hell yes I’ve seen Orca. I watch that once a month, at least. Or whenever I just need a pick-me-up. Where he fluke-slaps the guy onto the iceberg at the end? Damn.
Q. Do you prefer ‘orca whale’ or ‘killer whale’?
A. I prefer ‘Rick,’ because that’s my name. If you’re going to go the species route, though, either/or, as far as I’m concerned. Orcinus orca, which is the scientific name, basically means ‘whale from hell’ in Latin. That’s cool, obviously. And ‘killer whale’ is definitely apt. I mean, we kill a lot of stuff. A lot. But if you want to talk to me, you call me Rick.
Q. There’s footage of orca whales basically playing ping-pong, with their tales for paddles and baby seals for the ball. Can you comment on that?
A. Sure. It’s fun. I mean, the ocean is humongous. Like, so big. It gets boring out there. Endless water will straight numb a brain. We don’t call it ping-pong, we call it ‘tenderizing dinner.’ After the game is over, we tear those little morsels up. They’re good, too.
Q. How are you typing these answers? You have pectoral fins, not hands.
A. Giant keyboard. It’s still kind of a pain in the ass, though.
Q. Anything else we should know about orca or killer whales?
A. Basically, don’t be confused. You’re the ones who called us ‘killer’ and then you clutch all the pearls when we go ahead and kill stuff. But, it’s in the name. That you gave us. Sorry, not sorry.
Alright, thanks for reading and thanks to Luikart for letting me do this. Hope you’re off to a good morning or whatever time it is by you. Meantime, keep it black and white y’all.
Great job, Rick! You're way better than the regular guy